I dreamed a dream...

And it had nothing to do with Les Miserables.

Since a week or so I am thinking I should blog again. This afternoon I went to bed, because I didn't sleep much during the night, so I was tired and I had a headache. I do feel like that was a good decision, because my headache is gone, and I am not tired anymore.
But I dreamed, and - hurray -, it made me feel miserable as well.

I dreamed that I met someone really bad for me. Someone I've met before, but in my dream I did not recognise this person. Everyone around me was warning me, telling me that I went straight into the arms of the devil, but I didn't see any harm. The scariest thing (for me) is that in the dream, there was no harm. I did start to remember the person at some point, but 'it' was harmless. And now I wanted to write something which I didn't think of yet. I wanted to write: 'I wanted to leave the past behind me, because we were good then'.

It was just a dream, I prefer to think. I know that it sounds like commonsense psychology, but there are also some real hypothesis (or maybe today more than that, it has been two years since I've studied Psychology and a lot can change) stating that in your dreams, you process the happenings from the day. But why do I dream about this? Like I just said, it could be that I am moving on from something, but why do I (we) need to dream about things that sometimes entail strong emotions?
Most people don't remember their dreams. I think it is not even necessary to remember, only if you want to contribute to some research. Usually, when you remember a dream, you woke up in the middle of it. Now this was not the case, I am very sure about that (maybe also because it just became a bad dream when I woke up, while dreaming it was okay), so how does it work?

After writing it down, my head feels clearer. I am not going to feel miserable about it.

My Latin-American dream.

When I was younger, my father used to tell me that dreams weren't real. They don't show you what you need to do or whatever you believe they do. They only send you a message. I know that I asked him quite often 'then what is the message?', and like wise men do he said 'that is up to you to decide. Nobody can tell you what your dream means, it means what you feel it means'.
I have always believed that he was right. Always, but now it makes me wonder.

A couple of weeks ago I dreamed that I was going to San Jose this summer. San Jose, Costa Rica. First of all I want you to know that this city doesn't really mean anything to me. I have never been to Costa Rica, nor do I feel like I need to, because if I had the money to travel to that part of the world León, Nicaragua would definately be my first choice. So, this city was completely random and not even very likely. But I dreamed that I was there and that I liked the latinamerican way of life (which I know I would). When I woke up I still had the feeling I was going to San Jose, but after a few minutes it hit me: I am not going to Latin-America at all, I am going to Spain! And though I am really looking forward to it and know that it will be really amazing, I felt a little sorry for myself. I am not going to Latinoamérica.
Right now that is not important anymore, I am really happy with my summer plans and I wouldn't change them for the world, but I thought I realised what the message was: I shouldn't go study in Spain after finishing my bachelor, I should go to Latin-America. For a few weeks I was incredibly sure. But what if dreams are supposed to remain dreams?

I tried to talk about my internal dilemma with my parents, but they are like 'it's two years from now, don't you worry'. I am not worrying, not at all. It is just in my head constantly because I want to know what would be the right thing to do. What would be the right continent for me to live.
Writing this sentence I realise I know the answer. The right continent is on the other side of the Atlantic. I did not misinterpret my dream. I am just scared to make the necessary sacrifices and I don't want to face the consequences it will bring yet.
But if I continue living in a dreamworld, my dream might change into a nightmare.

I feel like breaking up.

I have always loved you. A lot actually, from the day I very first met you, and after spending some time with you, I started to love you more and more. At one point I didn't think much about you anymore, and then I had to work quite hard to deserve you again, but you have always, always come back to me, just as I did to you. It is supposed to be this way, and what you are doing now is not fair. You are hurting me really, really bad, and I feel like breaking up with you. I will not do it, because I know that would hurt even more, especially since I am going to spend the entire summer with you, but... I don't know if we can be friends right now. Not today. Maybe tomorrow, maybe next week, but now I am really through with you.

The thing is that you are not a person, otherwise I would have punched you in the face. You are a language, the Spanish language to be more precise, and I thought I understood you. Right now I feel like I know (nearly) all the rules for the Subjuntivo and I know when to use Indefinido and when Imperfecto, but I keep on making mistakes. I have been worried for exams before, worried that I didn't do as good as I expect myself to. This time I actually feel like I might not pass the exam, and I don't know what to do. I will focus on learning the rules some more, but for some reason I keep on messing things up.

I guess that's it. I love you so much that I don't want to disappoint you, nor myself, but I think I am going to, no matter what.

I'm sorry.

Life Changing Decisions.

In your life you make a lot of life changing decisions. Actually, everything you do could change your life. Most of them you just do. You eat an apple, you go out for drinks, you read a book. Some are a little harder, like what to wear, what to have for dinner, and so on. A last category are the decisions that are really hard. Will I buy this pare of shoes and be broke for the rest of the month? Will I skip classes and take the risk that I cannot do the exam with the consequence that I might not pass the year? Will I devote my life for one year to something else than studying?

My friends recommended me to make lists of pros and cons. Personally I don't like to think about these kind of things. I don't really want to think about what is 'the right thing'. But my friends were right, sometimes it is necessary, but really not fun at all!
Because I did make lists of pros and cons. And the conclusion to all three of the hard questions above is:

NO!

Why buying a pair of shoes you cannot afford? Why skipping classes if it is not absolutely necessary and there's such a risk to it? Why waste one more year in the Netherlands? Especially with the recent political situation you know you don't agree with, just finish your studies and move to a place far, far away.

Yes, I am 'doing the right thing' now. And yes, I am okay with the decisions I am making. But no, I would never, ever recommend someone to make a list of pros and cons. I created a new, emotional strategy:

1. Feel what you really want. This is the obvious step which you think you already did, but now I mean really feel it.
Did you find the solution yet? Congrats! If not, here's the second step.

2. Make a random decision, without thinking. Tell yourself: okay, I'm just gonna buy the shoes! Don't really do it, but put the money somewhere in a box or an old sock or whatever place you prefer. If it is not about something material, then tell someone what you have decided. It does not really matter what they think, just do it.

3. Feel again. Does it feel right? Then come on and actually take the step: buy the shoes, skip the classes! You are going to be such an incredibly happy person!
Does it feel wrong? Then don't do it. Put the money back in your wallet, tell your friend or your mother that you are not going to do it, and try to be happy again.

4. I still feel unhappy. I think that if you decided to do something, you won't really regret it. The worst thing that can happen (when you decided not to do something) is that you are still thinking about the other option. I know the feeling oh so well (feeling it at the moment), but now is the first time that it is okay to be rational: you know you've made the right decision. And the unhappy feeling will go away in time. Remember that you would have felt worse if you decided to do it.

And if you really, really feel it is better to be rational... than that will be the right thing for you to do!

Series night!

Yesterday I had a very fruitful day at the library (let's say I studied for three hours and had coffee and lunch for five hours, seems like the perfect ratio to me), so I decided that tonight was going to be my series night.

I love series. I watch quite a lot of them, but since I was at Spring Agora-Enschede last week (an annual statutory event of AEGEE-Europe), I'm not on track with all of them. I managed to get up to date with Vampire Diaries (who could possibly resist Damon?!) and Gossip Girl, but the rest not quite yet. To give you a small impression:
90210: 3 episodes (but that can wait, not so fond of it anymore)

GCB: 2 episodes (can wait as well)

How I Met Your Mother: 2 episodes (that CANNOT wait)

Missing: 2 episodes

New Girl: 2 episodes

Revenge: 3 episodes (that CANNOT wait either)

The Firm: 1 episode (also high on my list)

So, I guess I'm just as succesful in watching series as I am in studying, because I only watched one episode from Revenge... 

I've learned an important lesson today and yesterday: 

Don't plan. Don't ever do that, because you can only mess it up. 

That is, I'm very good at watching series when I didn't plan to do so. Studying not so much though. 

Perfection.

Well, that took quite a while to make the decision: but here I am, back in blogland, back to share my feelings, thoughts, experiences, travels and ideologies here on the internet! 

Inspired by my dear friend Sanne, I decided that today is the day. This week is the key to a new life. The key to do better. To succeed in my studies, to always finish deadlines on time, to start doing sports again, to be active, to read books, to not stay up that late, to clean my room and keep it neat, to do whatever I have to do and be perfect. 

Perfect. 

Shall I start with a list of faillures? Or shall I turn my back on them for today and tell myself that it doesn't matter that I hardly didn't do anything for my studies, handed in my assignment five minutes before deadline, fully aware of the fact that my professor will be able to see that I started working on it way too late, didn't do Pilates as I planned to, didn't open any book at all, my rooms a complete mess and I'm writing this blog at 1.30 am. 

Perfection is a concept.
Perfection is a concept that one cannot achieve. Ever. You can't do everything you want to and succeed in it, even though sometimes this feeling of being unable to change it sucks. Sometimes you even realise that the one and only true problem standing in your way to perfection is you. You wanting to have fun, to party, to travel, to stop worrying, to spend all your money and to love the whole wide world. And think about it: what is perfection really? Is it trying to live up to high expectations and make the world happy; the whole wide world, but yourself? Living up to your own high expectations, which you expect to vanish as soon as you achieved all of them? 

Perfection is a concept that could make you go pessimistic if you wanted to or if you're not strong enough to turn it around. With this blog I invite everyone to be strong, take the perfection in the hand and twist and turn it around as long as the perfection suits you, and not the other way around. 

I'll try to do that from now on. Will you join me?